The Picts and the Martyrs (or, Not Welcome At All)
by Arthur Ransome
[N.B. If you haven't read Swallows and Amazons, go read it first. This will not make sense otherwise. Or there's a rather good audiobook version read by Bernard Cribbins, if you'd prefer.]
Dick and Dorothea arrive at Beckfoot, the home of Amazon pirates Nancy and Peggy Blackett, to find that Uncle Jim has taken his sister, Mrs Blackett, on a recuperative sea voyage. The Amazons have been left to their own devices, under the watchful eye of Cook. Although strict promises have been made of no camping or adventures, the four have planned a fun fortnight of sailing Dick and Dorothea's brand-new boat, the Scarab.
A spanner is thrown in the works by the unexpected and unwanted appearance of the dreaded Great Aunt: Nancy and Peggy's Aunt Maria. The G.A. is a regular tartar who disapproves severely of the way Mrs Blackett handles her daughters. That they have been left alone is bad enough, but Nancy and Peggy know that she would be even more appalled to find that they had visitors staying. In order to spare Mrs Blackett from further wrath, Dick and Dorothea must relocate.
Nancy's solution seems simple; there is an abandoned hut nearby, and Dick and Dorothea are to move there for the duration. They are to become Picts, '[c]hased out, you know, but keeping alive underground. At least not exactly underground, but in secret.' Meanwhile, the Amazons become Martyrs to the cause of placating Aunt Maria: wearing best frocks, playing the piano, reciting poetry and being proper young ladies under their full names of Ruth and Margaret.
This is the first time that Dick and Dorothea have lived by themselves and the learning curve is steep. With the help of a boy from the neighbouring farm, a cookery book, and Dorothea's recollections of the excessively competent Susan Walker, they go from accidentally letting the milk go sour, to preparing and cooking a rabbit from scratch. As Dorothea muses to herself, '[h]ousekeeping was not as simple as people thought who had other people to do it.' Although the housekeeping falls automatically to female Dorothea, it is only 1943 and Dick does do his fair share (including gutting the rabbit, which was fairly traumatising).
Despite some initial problems -- and a minor instance of very necessary burglary -- all seems to go well. But as with all of Nancy's schemes, things do not always go quite as planned. As their uncle's friend Timothy says, '[t]he trouble with Nancy's velvet glove is that it's usually got a knuckleduster inside it. And you never know who's going to get hit.'
Rating: 3 – worth reading / watching
